So, here’s a secret few people know. Maybe no one. I’m kind of an asshole. I didn’t even realize this til recently. Now, before I delve, this is not a blog to get sympathy, or to garnish a bunch of people reassuring me that I’m a really great person or that someone should try to brighten my day or think I’m being mopey.  I’m serious people.  This is a blog to be an open book but also to serve as a learning beacon for the world, not to rake in compliments (hey, if my 2 college peeps are reading this, remember “fishing for compliments” game?).  I’m being as honest as one could get. I just realized I’m apparently really an asshole. It’s been a long, tough week once this truth hit me. And I’m upset I’m an asshole and have been one most of my life and didn’t know. So now I’m a sad asshole.

I’ve been doing a lot of self-work in the recent months. Being with your soulmate will do that to you. I’ve blogged before but a soulmate it turns out isn’t someone who you live happily ever after with or are so compatible you never fight. Nor is a soulmate someone who you try to be something or someone different for because that’s what they want. No, a true soulmate is basically a mirror held up to your ugly mug, and you realize 2 things:  this person loves you anyway, even when they see the you no one else is unfortunate enough to see. And b, you see yourself so plainly that you can do nothing but either run away screaming (but can u run from yourself?) or realize you have some work to do. After I get over being sad that I’m an asshole, I think I’ll realize that I’m going to turn out pretty well and that’s exciting. You hope you can do it in a timely manner, however. That’s key. But the road ahead of you is pretty long, and lots of uphills. (Reminds me of the run I went I when I realized I was in love with my bestie. 8.5 miles on a country road in Kansas. I saw rolling hills that rolled larger and larger as they stretched out but my future wife tried to convince me it was an optical illusion. )

And I’m sad because it’s a lot of work and I’m exhausted after a few days of work and I’m really hoping someone out there will convince me that it won’t always be so hard to silence the asshole part of you and it will eventually change. (Optical illusion hills?). Then I’m sad because every time I start being an asshole I have to catch myself and re-think things. I’m catching myself 95% of the time. Which is good and bad. Good because I’m catching it most of the time, bad because when you’re working so hard and you slip up, it’s pretty damn frustrating. So here I am, catching 95% asshole-ness and I’m freaking exhausted!  Which is horribly sad because it just proves that if I need to catch myself every few minutes…well, just shoot me now.  So I don’t know whether I’m more sad or exhausted. All I know is I’m working hard and have a lot of correction to do.

Now, my fellow readers with a Christian mindset will tell me that I won’t be able to change without help from above. I’m not arguing that point, I tend to agree but I also think prayer and petition is an awfully convenient way to get out of the work. If we just pray hard enough, the situation will change or God will change me and voile!  Mission accomplished!  I think God works more practically than that. Like, God is the one who tapped me on the shoulder and said, hey, you’re being an asshole. Here’s some cool references to better self-work, so let me know if you need more. Also I’ll be sure to give you plenty of times to screw up so you can really learn this stuff.

It’s clear from history of the world in general and our personal lives that God loves teaching via hands-on experience. It’s a very powerful way to learn. Ask any farmer or small business owner and he’ll tell you that he only knows what he knows because the other ways he tried failed. Every single one of them.

Now, my lovely readers, you’re skimming thru this to the parts in which I tell you specifically how I’m an asshole. I’m deciding right now whether to give some examples or not. Let me give you some general assholedness examples. Say you’re upset with your friend for “never calling you. “. First (and I’m paraphrasing from an interesting gal Byron Katie and other sources), does she never call?  Well, ok, maybe she hasn’t for a couple days. So it’s not super true thought. Then, here’s where the fun starts,  you turn it around on yourself. I never call my friend. Hmmm.  Well, I can’t say never but it’s true I’m not always the one doing the work. Have there been times I don’t call her for various reasons, even non legit ones. Well damn it. I’m kind of an asshole.

Second example:  Say you start to convince yourself that your spouse is going to let you down. A. You’re an asshole for thinking this because they may occasionally but usually they don’t. B. You are thinking the worst of them when you should be assuming the best. C. You may be wishing something into truth. D. You find the smallest examples to prove it instead of the real work of finding examples to DIS prove it. Ouch. Asshole. Top grade.

Then you start looking back on your life and realize there were a lot of times you were actually the asshole and even when you weren’t your General assholedness may have caused the other person to just feed off that and act like an asshole too. Because in general negative wears off rather than positive.

Or, the whole “it’s not about you sweet cheeks, ” and the “it’s always you, dumbass” truths.

Well, sweet cheeks, you say, you’re pretty hard on yourself. A little grace, yes?  No, I say. Being an asshole doesn’t allow grace. It demands 100% change and work. You can’t end the day with, well, I was only an asshole 20 times today instead of my normal 50. It’s a good direction to head but you can’t stop there.